Men and women act differently because their brains are built differently, says Chloe Rhodes

The physical differences between men and women have long been understood, and can be traced directly to our primeval roles as hunters and child-bearers. But until recently, the many behavioural differences between have perplexed us.

So what is it that makes women want to chat about the events of their day while men would rather reflect on theirs in silence? Why do men generally gravitate to computer and sports magazines while women prefer gossip and relationship glossies? And why do men and women often seem to want such different things from their relationships with each other?

A new BBC television series, The Science of the Sexes, suggests that the answers may lie in the fundamental differences in our brains - a view backed up by research published last week.

Scientists at Bath University have found that men and women feel pain in different ways, with men focusing on how to get through it as quickly as possible, and women becoming so consumed with their emotional response to an injury that they may feel it more intensely.

In dealing with the psychological pain of divorce, the sex-divide is just as pronounced, though women are the ones most able to cope. A separate study, for the Yorkshire Building Society, revealed that women were better than men at dealing with all the stages of a break-up, 61 per cent saying that, in the first two years after a divorce, they were happier than before the relationship ended. Only 51 per cent of men felt the same way.

Clinical psychologist Dr Frank Tallis, who appears in the BBC series, says that these findings can be explained by significant differences in the brain. “In evolutionary terms, women are designed to be sociable because they were the ones socialising the children,” he says. “They have communication skills that men don’t have, which allow them talk through their feelings and be comforted by their friends and family. Men are less able to make use of friendship networks and will try to minimise their emotional distress rather than trying to work through it.”

These natural advantages were found to have played an important role for the women questioned in the Yorkshire study. In the first couple of years after their divorce, they socialised more with friends, spent time with their families and received counselling or therapy. Men were more likely to seek casual sex, drink more and join a dating agency.

“You see these techniques a lot in a clinical setting,” says Dr Tallis. “After a relationship breakdown, men tend to pursue sex as a solution, seeking a new sexual relationship to restore their self-esteem rather than taking time to reflect on why their marriage has broken down.”

Similar characteristics determine men’s behaviour at the start of relationships, too. Contrary to popular belief, they are far more likely than women to fall head over heels in love, because they are more likely to follow their instinct to pursue a woman they find attractive.

“The reason some men end up with ‘trophy’ wives is that they haven’t been able to see beyond their immediate physical attraction,” says Dr Tallis. “Women are much less likely to fall in love in this irrational way because they are programmed by evolution to look for a partner who will look after them and their children financially and emotionally; they will be looking for kindness and generosity as well as physical attractiveness.”

There is even a scientific explanation for stereotypical male/female behaviour. If you have ever spent an afternoon chatting on the phone while your other half watches sport, you are displaying the classic behavioural patterns of your sex. Experts say the male brain is wired to be systematic and analytical, appreciative of order and detail, while female brains are better tuned in to emotions.

But Dr Tallis points out that there are also social pressures that cause us to behave along gender lines. “Men are encouraged to switch off emotionally. This would have been useful for early man, in combat for example, but it’s not very useful for forming relationships. Women, on the other hand, are expected to be gentle and nurturing, which makes it easier for them to build bonds with other people, but leaves them needing more verbal reassurance than men.”

All of this is, of course, a dramatic simplification of the complex workings of the mind. Confusing things still further is the fact that not all women have what scientists now call a “female brain” and not all men have a male one. Some people have “balanced” brains, which have an equal measure of male and female characteristics, and some even have brain types opposite to their gender. There have also been links between the extreme male brain and autism, in which the systemising power of the brain often dominates at the expense of social ability. Understanding the brain in this way is of great benefit to scientists, but even a simplified grasp of the basics may lead us all to a clearer appreciation of why we act in the way that we do - and why we often find our partners so infuriating.

Dr Tallis says the differences are just as apparent in healthy relationships as in failing ones, and that they should be embraced and understood. “They are obviously big generalisations, but if something is generally true, it can help to prevent it from seeming personal. If an issue arises in a relationship the man may go quiet, but this doesn’t mean he is being moody or is angry - it’s just that his brain works better at trying to solve the problem internally. Likewise, if the woman insists on talking, she’s not just nagging for the sake of it: her instinct is telling her to communicate, and to talk about how she feels. If we consider these differences before making demands of each other, we might find that our different brains work perfectly together.”

‘The Science of the Sexes,’ BBC1, Sunday, 9pm