Although you might be able to acknowledge that your loved one has had some “problems” with addiction, you don’t see the necessity of doing everything that the drug counselor is suggesting. After all, the person isn’t as bad off as some others you know of who are addicts.

This is a form of denial that is common to family members and addicts alike. Wise “old-timers” in AA and other 12-step programs address this line of thinking with one word - yet.

Wife of an alcoholic at an open AA meeting: “My husband’s drinking is not that bad. At least he hasn’t had a DUI.”
Old-timer: “Yet.”

The severity of the problem is not measured by the type of consequences. If it’s addiction, it’s severe. People who have been around addiction and recovery for a long time know that anything (bad) is possible if it has to do with the addiction and with the future.

Family members sometimes avoid recovery and minimize the addict’s problems for another simple, but often overlooked, reason. They themselves may have a problem with addiction. This is not an uncommon situation. People who have grown up in families with addiction often unconsciously seek out a partner who has the same kind of problem. Addiction, as we’ve seen, has a strong genetic basis. So the spouse of an alcoholic, for example, may have a genetic vulnerability to alcoholism. We’ve noted that a permissive environment and psychological pain are both conducive to the development of addiction. It would be hard to find a better environment for the promotion of addiction than that of an addicted family.

Often the addictive behavior in the family member is disguised. The addiction might be to mood-altering prescription medication. Someone might have an eating disorder (very common in the families of addicts), be a compulsive gambler, or have a sexual addiction. These problems may be hidden under even more denial, and for a good reason.

It’s one thing to openly recognize that the addict, who is often getting center stage, has a problem. It’s quite another to admit that the fallback person - the enabler on whom the family is depending - has one also. This person has the addiction in addition to being under enormous pressure to be fully functional, even overly functional at times. There’s no time to deal with any more problems, or so it may seem.

Unfortunately, things probably will not go well if the family is unable or unwilling to take the steps to face and then to work on these additional issues.

Getting Better
Recovery for family members begins in much the same way that it begins for the addict. First, there must be an admission that there is a problem and a willingness to accept help.

Next comes the discovery of just what the problem really is, followed by a gradual, lifelong learning process that leads to more effective coping and to emotional growth.

There are four principal avenues of treatment: education about addiction and recovery, group support, individual support, and psychiatric help.