Family members cannot help the addict get past this stage by pointing out the futility of continuing the addiction. In fact, what happens is that they become an additional reason for the addict to keep using; the person will regard the stress they are creating as a reason to continue. Many arguments between an addict and a concerned loved one are actually stereotypical games. In other words, an argument is going on at one level and a manipulation at another. Here’s an example:

—
John brings home a six-pack after work and pops one open in
front of his wife.
Mary (after a long pause and a sullen stare): “I thought you said
you weren’t going to drink on weeknights. You told me the
other day you were getting tired of the hangovers at work.”
John (expletive deleted): “I’ve just gotten home and you’re at it
again. I’ve had a bad day which you didn’t ask me about. I just
need to relax.”
Mary: “I was just trying to help. You said . . .”
John: “Don’t tell me what I said. This is my house. If I want a
beer I’ll drink it.”

Mary: “There’s no need to shout at me.”
John: “There you go again. If you’d just act like a wife instead of
a warden . . .”
Mary: “I am your wife and I care about you! That’s the only
reason I brought it up. I thought you said you were going to
cut down.”
John (finishing the beer, grabbing his keys and the rest of the six-
pack, and heading for the door): “I’m going out for a while. I
just can’t relax around here.”
—

John has just manipulated the situation so that he has a new excuse to drink. But Mary has also been engaging in manipulation. She is trying to mold John into the person she wants him to be, and what’s happened is that the interaction between the two is no longer about drinking but about who is going to call the shots in John’s life.

We know that there are some particular personality changes that take place while addiction is developing, and a tendency to resist any input from others is one of them.

Newcomers at AA meetings are sometimes told (gently), “You need to take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth.” Part of the denial system is to maintain control at all times over any negative input, and a good way to do this is to take the offense so that any such input can be neutralized.

As an addict, you need to recognize that another way your family can interefere with your getting off the fence is through well-meaning “help.” You probably have someone on whom you have come to rely when there is trouble.

As we saw in “The Course of Addictive Disease” section, this person is called an enabler - someone who serves as a buffer between you and negative consequences. People become enablers for a number of reasons, but these aren’t relevant to you at this point. What’s important is that you realize that the enablers in your life may unwittingly, and with the best intentions, undermine your motivation to take the difficult first steps toward recovery.