You do have a choice about the way you respond to enabling: you can allow it to continue, or you can choose to take responsibility for the consequences of your addiction.

Recovery has a lot to do with beginning to take back personal responsibility for your actions and choices. Choosing to recover means change, and this will be threatening to your loved ones. But you are the only one who can do it. If you recognize this behavior, you need to begin to gently change direction. Here’s an example:
——
John: “The boss told me today that if I don’t go to the evening
alcohol treatment program I’m going to lose my job. Mary, I’m
going to have to do this. I need to do this.”
Mary: “What’s that - the evening program?”
John: “It’s groups on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays.
Three hours a night. And on the other nights I have to go to
meetings and get an attendance slip signed.”
Mary: “That’s ridiculous! They can’t expect you to be gone every
night of the week.”
John: “They do.”
Mary: “Remember last summer when you stopped drinking for
over a month? Can’t you just do that?”
John: “It’s not that simple. I have to do this or I’ll lose my job.”
Mary: “You’ve hated this job anyway. Look. You can just quit
like you did last year, and let me help you. If you want to
drink, we’ll just talk about it.”
John: “Mary, I know you mean well. But I have to do this. I
don’t want to be gone every evening either. But you have to
understand. I’m an alcoholic. I realize that now.”
Mary: “You’re a heavy drinker - you’re not an . . .”
John: “I’m going to do this.”
—-

John has reached the point where he realizes that he is going to have to do something about his addiction to alcohol.

And this is threatening to Mary. It is more comfortable for her to try to maintain control, even though this hasn’t worked in the past. It will also be very uncomfortable for John to continue to work on his addiction under these conditions, but at this point he has to put up with some confiict at home, for now, in order to get better.

So, hitting bottom is the realization that you are stuck between a rock and a hard place and that recovery is the only realistic way out. Believing that recovery is possible at this point is another matter. Many addicts and alcoholics don’t try because they believe, deep down, that recovery will be a failure, too, as much else in their lives has been. After many negative consequences - broken relationships, lost jobs, legal problems - it can be difficult to believe that recovery is possible. It may help to know then that most people who have succeeded in recovery have been at exactly the same point, hopeless and helpless.

Elizabeth Connell Henderson, M.D.

Glossary

Appendix A: Regulation of Addictive Substances

Appendix B: Sources of Additional Information