“We had numerous relatives spread out over several states, and as a general rule, we tended to play the problem down, keeping the news brief and reassuring folks that Serena would be fine.

One reason I took this approach was to spare them worry; another was to avoid becoming a target of family gossip. Frankly, I was in no mood for getting an onslaught of family phone calls. I had no doubt that such calls would be well intended, but I feared they’d feel overwhelming, not only to Serena, but to me as well. I didn’t want to answer relatives’ questions nor listen to unsolicited advice.

“In addition to Russ, there were a couple of people to whom we offered more details. One of them was my sister Alyssa, who lived nearby. Serena had always been one of her biggest fans and vice versa. It didn’t surprise me that my daughter wanted Alyssa to know what was happening. However, I worried about putting my sister in an awkward position. For example, I was aware that my daughter might try to enlist Alyssa’s support for declining talk therapy. Though that was a tense situation, Alyssa’s input on the therapy conflict was valuable. But I feared future mother-daughter spats would find Alyssa in the middle, and that didn’t seem fair to her. I wanted to initiate a dialogue about this, but I kept procrastinating.”

There are times when it is fine for you to share information about your child, whether or not you have her permission. For example, the likelihood is that you’ll need to talk with a close friend about your turmoil; we encourage you to do so and to request that she keep everything you’ve told her confidential.

Similarly, you’re likely to have contact with your child’s teachers, her school psychologist, or-if she lives at boarding school or in a college dormitory-her residence adviser. These professionals are usually respectful of client privacy, but you’ll want to remind them, just to be sure.

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David B. Herzog, M.D., Debra L. Franko, Ph.D., Pat Cable, RN

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David B. Herzog, M.D., is the Harvard Medical School Endowed Professor of psychiatry in the field of eating disorders at Massachusetts General Hospital and the director of the Harris Center at Massachusetts General Hospital.
Debra L. Franko, Ph.D., is a professor in the Department of Counseling and Applied Educational Psychology at Northeastern University and the associate director of the Harris Center at Massachusetts General Hospital
Pat Cable, RN, is the director of publications at the Harris Center.