The enabler makes a logical choice and gets a job so that the bills will be paid despite the addict’s behavior. This not only shields the addict from negative consequences but also protects the family as a whole.

The enabler may begin to resent the addict’s irresponsibility, but, when anger is expressed directly, the addict’s response is often to blame the enabler. “If you would get off my back I wouldn’t need to drink” is an example. The more the enabler attempts to control the addict’s behavior, the worse it gets, or so it seems. The addiction is actually going to progress with or without the enabler’s help. But the enabler feels overly responsible, trapped, and increasingly angry, without the ability to express or sometimes even acknowledge that anger.

Roles that are frequently found among the children in an addicted family include the family hero (or banner carrier), the scapegoat, the lost child, and the mascot. Each of the roles serves to deflect and manage the high level of stress, tension, and anger that lies under the surface in addicted families.

The family hero, or banner carrier, is frequently the oldest child, and is a driven high achiever. This child, who often assumes the role of junior parent or caretaker, reassures the family, through public success, that things are still okay. The scapegoat, usually the second child, provides a ready target for blaming. Just as the family hero can do no wrong, the scapegoat can do no right. The lost child escapes the tension in the family by withdrawing into fantasy and will sometimes assume a caretaker role in order to merit attention. The mascot responds to the tension in the family by becoming the court jester but sacrifices the opportunity to be taken seriously and to be understood, especially when painful events take place.

These roles are consistently found in addicted families to a surprising degree, even across cultural and lifestyle lines. It is important to note, however, that a role often has little to do with the natural proclivities of the child playing it. The child responds to the stresses and forces within the addicted family system, and this shapes both behavior and self-concept. These children never learn to accurately identify emotional needs or develop a secure sense of self, and, as adults, are often highly sensitive to the emotional climate in a particular situation, but at the same time are unable to accurately sense inner emotions and needs. The concept of loving others and being loved is often understood at the level of meeting dependency needs rather than at the level of a true interest in the well-being of the other.

In other words, someone from this type of family will feel most secure in a relationship in which the other person has some kind of dependency need that allows for a sense of connectedness. When that dependency decreases, the relationship feels less secure, and anxiety levels go up. In a healthy relationship, on the other hand, increasing maturity and independence lead to a deepening of intimacy. From an emotional standpoint, people from addicted families are really marching to a different drummer. It’s therefore not surprising that such people often end up marrying an addict or someone from an addicted family or a person with some type of emotional dependency.

In the mid-to-late 1980s, codependency was a popular topic in mental health circles. The concept of codependency arose from the study of the dynamics of the families of alcoholics and addicts, and contains the elements that we have discussed. Codependency is not a diagnosis in and of itself, but it is often found in the relational style of people who develop problems with depression and anxiety. It reflects a tendency to become emotionally invested in relationships with people who are not functioning independently, such as addicts. Although we generally think of the enabler as the one who is codependent, this style of relating is shared by all members of the addicted family, including the addict. In fact, it is not uncommon to see a reversal of roles once the addict enters recovery, with the addict now invested in the emotional dependency of the enabler.

With therapy, counseling, and time, family members can learn to become more sensitive to their own feelings and emotional needs. Once this occurs, it is possible for them to learn to tolerate more distance and emotional independence without undue anxiety and without needing to invade boundaries and attempt to exert control.

Elizabeth Connell Henderson, M.D.

Glossary

Appendix A: Regulation of Addictive Substances

Appendix B: Sources of Additional Information